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    2010 Post of the Year

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    soccer23

    Posts: 324
    Join date: 2010-08-09

    2010 Post of the Year

    Post  soccer23 on Mon Dec 20, 2010 3:31 pm

    Inspired by Aswan's post earlier today, and in an effort to end the year with a laugh, I am hereby taking nominations for "2010 Post of the Year." There are some great, sometimes outrageous, things said on this board and I thought it would be interesting to collect them here for all to read since we don't all keep up with every thread. I wouldn't want to miss a doozy! Copy and paste your nominees below and be sure to credit the original author.

    Aswan gets my nomination on the "Does your son Play for one of the Big Four and if so, why?" thread for the following response:


    Generally, there is no particular advantage at starting on a Big 4 club at an early age. If you are convinced that your player will develop into a top echelon athlete however, starting and staying with a top team will spare you the anxiety and trauma of switching teams later down the road. Unfortunately, the hopeful parent is confronted with the inconvenient fact that the first step in the making of a good athlete begins with nature’s chromosomal crapshoot, a game of chance that is largely beyond his control. After that first roll in the hay, the father is relegated in this game of chance to status of spectator in the nose bleed section of Madison Square Garden. Get two dice together, throw a few kisses, blow a little hot air, and the die are cast. One roll and you get snake eyes. An imperceptible cosmic twist of the wrist and, viola, you’re Angelina Jolie. And, as unjust as it may be, life will be kinder to Angelina than someone with snake eyes. Further, the ultimate outcome of the infinite intersections of genetic material will not be discernable for many years. So we parents are condemned to wait for years, like anxious prepubescent girls wondering if they will be endowed with boobs, to find out if Junior will be a Division I quarterback or second chair oboe in the marching band. Still, it would take a remarkably detached parent not to search for signs of burgeoning athletic potential in his young son. Given the spasmodic growth and development of young lads, however, this is largely a fruitless endeavor. I’ve seen particularly enmeshed fathers recognizing signs of Olympic athletic ability in pamper-laden toddlers. For myself, however, I have found that the ability to do a bipedal lurch and stagger at eight months is a poor indicator of eventual athletic achievement.

    Still, I cannot not help wondering which of my ancestors will be reincarnated in the face of my child. I try to avoid such musings as they contribute to an anxious disposition but cannot resist. Who among us does not have a batty aunt or a gnome-like uncle poking out from the ancestral tree like a gnarled limb, a limb that reminds us of possible capricious turns of fate? Even the more palatable contributors to my genetic estuary may cause for some distraction. In occasional restless early morning hours I confront the possibility that my son will mature to be a head twisting tree stump of a man like his great grandfather. In moments such as these, the peculiarities and aberrations of my forbearers give me pause. Contemplation of the infinite possible permutations in the genetic soup is the stuff from which insomnia is made. In the face of the unknowable, just find a place in which your player fits at the time, sit back and let things unfold.

    clueless

    Posts: 445
    Join date: 2009-08-06

    Re: 2010 Post of the Year

    Post  clueless on Mon Dec 20, 2010 8:03 pm

    Someone needs to find the field marshal post (Aswan, will that make your memoirs?).

    Aswan

    Posts: 113
    Join date: 2009-07-14
    Location: Apparently Lost

    Re: 2010 Post of the Year

    Post  Aswan on Mon Dec 20, 2010 8:40 pm

    I'm not sure my droll life warrants a memoir. I'll have to settle for posting on soccer forums:


    Today it is all about select or club sports. They call them club sports because just as soon as you sign junior up they whack you with a club and steal your wallet. Not content on emptying our purses of sheckles, all parents are consigned to periods of indentured servitude quaintly called volunteer work in the business. The fact that the term mandatory volunteer work is an oxymoron is apparently lost on Directors of Coaching, their particular career path not being dependent on nimbleness of thought. And, as I have discovered, the discerning parent will avoid attempts at humorous repartee on the subject.



    My first experience with soccer community service was in the capacity of field Marshall. I was aware of the existence of the field marshals as Officials of The League omnipresent in the sports complex in florescent nylon vests. Their function was somewhat of a mystery as I had no occasion for any particular special services while on the grounds. Still, police-like radios and books of rules marked them as trained professions of some distinction. I was surprised to find out that these high ranking officials were, in fact, drawn from the masses of “volunteer” parents. On transfer of my son to a new team, I became more intimately acquainted with the position.



    Being the new guy, I don’t know why I was selected to be our team’s first Field Marshal. I prefer to believe that the selection reflected the high esteem in which my peers held me, esteem likely related to my calm, assertive demeanor since we had not had the opportunity for true acquaintance. In any case, I regarded the appointment as an honor. On game day I reported for duty at the soccer complex with the enthusiasm of a new recruit to execute the duties of the office with dignity, if not outright excellence.
    I found game day induction to the corps to be a disappointment. Not only were no guns or badges issued to the Marshals, so as to establish firmly in the public eye the authority of the position, but the uniform consisted solely of a bright, orange, nylon vest of poor styling and suspect workmanship. The one saving grace in the vestments of office consisted of an imposing radio that, if worn on the hip just right, created a respectable official countenance. The orientation was an even more dismal affair than the outfitting: “Be friendly; point people to the right fields; do not get involved in disputes; be the eyes and ears for the commissioners only.”, a dishearteningly passive and restrictive charge for a Marshal-why not just call us Walmart Greeters and dispense with the pretense? Further, I was issued a large binder full of game day schedules and field assignments to assist me in directing people appropriately. Between the florescent nylon vest and large notebook, I looked like a computer geek who had found his way onto a county road crew. Also, I should mention that the one rule my superiors insisted I enforce was the “no spectators allowed on the field rule”, a rule of particular import because of the ongoing rainfall. Did I mention that it was raining? Thus, it was with subdued spirits I began my rookie day on the force.


    Yes, yes, I’ll get to the point, be patient. Anyway… the day waned and I found myself the only Marshal remaining at the complex (the rain apparently having discouraged the Marshalls of lesser mettle than myself). At about the time I discovered my singular position (and proving the adage that no good deed goes unpunished) two men came striding down the hillside toward me with something clearly on their minds. The men first asked if I was a field marshal. Scrupulously following my superiors orders to be friendly, I refrained from the obvious sarcastic retort involving my orange florescent nylon vest and bulging radio. They then inquired as to whether or not there was a rule that spectators remain on their side of the field. Misunderstanding their question, I informed them that yes, of course, all contestants belonged on one side and all spectators on the opposing side. Regarding me as something akin to the village idiot, they went on to explain that a woman spectator from the opposing team had planted herself on their side of the midfield line, would not budge, and further, that “bad things were about to happen.” Following a futile debate over the existence of a Classic League rule pertaining to the proper placement of spectators, I volunteered to return with them to the field in the belief that my presence would have a mollifying effect.
    On observing my approach, a cluster of parents immediately broke down the hill to greet their savior. They wasted no time in identifying the perpetrator. Their assistance came in the manner of “There she is, that one over there-go get her.” Also, they mentioned the very poor quality of refereeing and were adamant that I address that issue as well before I left. Clearly, these good people did not understand that, despite my fetching orange vest and fine looking radio, I actually had a remarkably limited mandate for action. To understand our relative authority, imagine me being a shepherd and the referee being….oh say…..God. Still, rather than disabuse them of their notion of my station in life, I sought to explain to my agitated brethren that no Classic League rule existed to prohibit the aforementioned miscreant woman from occupying a place on “their” side of the midfield line. They were not persuaded, however. Moreover, never before has a man fallen from savior saint to devil spawn so quickly as in that moment. In blithe ignorance I had provided a new object for their barely-contained rage. One gentleman, in particular, was absolutely adamant that there was such a rule. Finally, completely exasperated, I offered him my ring binder and said “ Here! Here are the League rules and Law of the Game. Find for me where it says a person is restricted to their own side of the midfield.” The risk in this tactic lay mainly in the fact that the contents of my notebook consisted of naught but game schedules and field assignments. This risk, however, was mitigated by the fact that the notebook comprised a daunting assemblage of paper. As I had suspected, the gentlemen declined to parse the faux regulations for his particular citation and, moreover, retired to a somewhat less threatening distance.


    On finally mounting the embankment and gaining the sideline I witnessed a disquieting affair. A woman had indeed ensconced herself on the wrong side of the midfield line, some ten feet from the sports chairs of her opponents. And, let me tell you, she was a horrific marvel; she screamed nonstop, unabated, and at a prodigious decibel level. Further, she was clearly aware that she had wheedled her needle under the skin of the nearby parents and was striking the exposed nerves to maximum effect. So deft was she in her methodology, however, that at no point did she cross any regulatory line; none of her comments were specifically abusive or directed at the other parents, opposing players, or referee. Moreover, my presence did nothing to subdue her temperament. On the contrary, so sure was she of her posture that, if anything, my presence released her of the constraint that fear of physical assault might otherwise have imposed. The same circumspect observation of the regulatory lines could not be said of the nearby cluster of agitated parents. These parents had devolved to a deranged mob. Their invective escalated to the point that I found it uncomfortably necessary to interpose myself between them and the loudmouth lady so as to prevent physical violence. On more than one occasion I had to turn a man away with the last-resort words: “just walk away, just walk away.” I had been, in fact, manipulated into loudmouth lady’s diabolical service despite my personal sympathies.
    Anyway, the game ended in discord on the sideline but no actual violence. Unfortunately for me, when the game ended, all of the involved parents began walking across the field. Now, be reminded that in my pre-service briefing the only rule which I was required to enforce pertained to walking across the fields after the games. Determined to uphold the dignity of my office, I informed the parents, with all the command authority that I could muster, that it was against League rules to walk across the field after the game. Let us say that this was not one of the better decisions that I have made in my life. After some pointed assessments of my parentage, the malcontents continued across the field in deliberate display of contempt for my authority and thereby exacerbated my general sense of impotence. Still, in a moment of epiphany, I came to understand why they do not issue firearms to the field marshals.




    plantit

    Posts: 687
    Join date: 2009-06-30
    Location: under the bleechers seeing more butts

    Re: 2010 Post of the Year

    Post  plantit on Mon Dec 20, 2010 11:36 pm



    AND THAT FOLKS. Is why this post is a one horse race.

    Aswan is kinda like Blue ( in Old School ) a legend.

    eagle

    Posts: 148
    Join date: 2009-06-24

    Re: 2010 Post of the Year

    Post  eagle on Tue Dec 21, 2010 9:16 am

    plantit wrote:

    AND THAT FOLKS. Is why this post is a one horse race.

    Aswan is kinda like Blue ( in Old School ) a legend.


    Yes he is. I remember calling him out for how lame his first post was on *spam* and he then unleashed his first literary barrage of multiple syllable words that actually combine to form amusing and thought provoking posts and the rest is history. However I will add that he is not nearly as smart in person. Very Happy


    Last edited by eagle on Tue Dec 21, 2010 9:21 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : None of your business)

    clueless

    Posts: 445
    Join date: 2009-08-06

    Re: 2010 Post of the Year

    Post  clueless on Tue Dec 21, 2010 9:48 am

    eagle wrote:
    plantit wrote:

    AND THAT FOLKS. Is why this post is a one horse race.

    Aswan is kinda like Blue ( in Old School ) a legend.


    Yes he is. I remember calling him out for how lame his first post was on *spam* and he then unleashed his first literary barrage of multiple syllable words that actually combine to form amusing and thought provoking posts and the rest is history. However I will add that he is not nearly as smart in person. Very Happy


    Wouldn't that go for all of us....nor as good looking (i.e. my physique isn't quite on par with my avatar, but my screen name is dead-on.

    Aswan

    Posts: 113
    Join date: 2009-07-14
    Location: Apparently Lost

    Re: 2010 Post of the Year

    Post  Aswan on Tue Dec 21, 2010 2:56 pm

    The internet provides many enhancements for communication. For instance, the last time Eagle had to use his box of jumbo crayons was when he created his avatar.

    eagle

    Posts: 148
    Join date: 2009-06-24

    Re: 2010 Post of the Year

    Post  eagle on Tue Dec 21, 2010 9:51 pm

    Aswan wrote:The internet provides many enhancements for communication. For instance, the last time Eagle had to use his box of jumbo crayons was when he created his avatar.

    I got nothing.


      Current date/time is Thu May 24, 2012 4:13 am